WITCHCRAFT JUST SPELLS TROUBLE
Fred Khumalo

Sunday Times
February 8, 2009

When you are sitting with Frenchmen in their own territory, they try their best to show you how cultured they are, quoting Rimbaud here, telling you about this wine estate there ... except that you can hardly follow what they are saying because their English is bad and your French is nonexistent.

So you tell them a truly African story, not only to keep them entertained, but to remind yourself that, after all, you come from a continent where anything is possible.

You tell them a story culled from endless e-mails from friends who think you are bored senseless in a foreign land, which is not far off the mark considering the fact that sometimes when you try to express yourself in English here everyone reacts like you have just passed wind.

So, slowly, stressing each syllable, you begin: "Police in Kwara State, Nigeria, this week detained a goat suspected to have taken part in an armed robbery..." Aha, you've got the Frenchmen's attention now, so you go on: "Police public relations officer Mr Tunde Mohammed told bewildered journalists at headquarters that men from a vigilante group in the Anifowose Ipata/Oloje areas of the state capital had chased two armed robbery suspects who wanted to demobilise a Mazda car with the intention of stealing it. While one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned into this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is."

The looks I got after telling the story were like: "Aha, we told you; he's from Africa. He can act sophisticated here, and tell us about books and wine, but he is still in the bush. In Africa they believe these things about witchcraft."

When I told the guys that this story was a fiction, just like their Asterix, they didn't take kindly to that. Asterix - although it's a story for children - is a metaphor for their valour against foreign invaders; how dare you compare Asterix to what you've just told us.

My story, said I, is also a metaphor for Africa: on my continent, anything is possible. Did you ever think that a sitting African president could be removed from power without any blood being shed? I asked.

When they smiled in relief and recognition, I said under my breath, "Got you, Frenchmen!" Whether that e-mail about the goat is based on fact or fiction is neither here nor there. Anything is possible in Africa.

But my embarrassment knew no bounds when another "only from Africa" story broke last week.

Businessman and ANC leader Tokyo Sexwale fiercely attacked the Congress of the People for parading "old women" on TV, using them as witchcraft to attract support.

Sexwale was speaking at an ANC rally in Zwide township outside Port Elizabeth, barely 10km from a COPE rally.